weekend 5/1-2 preview

This weekend is a nice, low key weekend. There isn't much going on to write home about, but I will say that it's going to be one of the most beautiful weekends of the year here in D.C. After all, we did pay our dues with a Winter from the Ice Queen's angry vagina.

As far as nightlife, other than a plethora of house parties, there's BYT Presents: Christmas in Heaven II, the lovechild of Mixtape DJ Shea Van Horn's and BYT figurehead Cale. Check it out. It's FREE. Do it.

BYT Presents: Christmas in Heaven II

Black Cat

Friday 4/30, 9:30

Free

As far as concerts this weekend, there are two fantastic ones! First we have the Weezer/Ben Folds show at Byrd Stadium (University of Maryland campus). I have seen Weezer once (amazing) and Ben Folds thrice (possibly the best solo show you'll ever see), and I have to say that this is the best one-two punch all year. Say what you will about Weezer and all their commercial appeal, but they put on a great show, and you can't tell me you won't scream the words to Undone (The Sweater Song), Surf Wax America, and Hash Pipe.

Weezer / Ben Folds

Byrd Stadium

Friday 4/30, 5:00

$40 (General Admission- f**k yeah!)

Surf Wax America - Weezer

Zak And Sara - Ben Folds

The second big concert is Sunday's Shout Out Louds show at 9:30 Club. This is sure to be a good one, from one of the best young indie rock bands out there. It isn't sold out and it's only $15. Go see it!

Shout Out Louds

9:30 Club

Sunday 5/2, 7:00

$15

Normandie - Shout Out Louds

Comeback - Shout Out Louds



three track thursdays 04.29.10 - Mash-Up Edition!

Here are three of my favorite mash-ups! I play these a lot at many of my gigs, and they are what I deem the best of the best, when it comes to mash-ups. Feel free to download (just press the down arrow). I'm a huge fan of the mash-up, when done correctly, and I figured it was time to spread the love to my audience.

First, we have a mash-up of Deadmau5, Amanda Blank, and Bad Cabbage. This track takes Deadmau5' fantastic production and laces it with the bawdy lyrics of Amanda Blank, followed by the cunty words of Bad Cabbage. It's definitely a keeper, and I'm sure you'll like it. This mash-up was formed by the talented L.A.-based mash-up king, DJ Paul V.

Might Like Ghosts Better (Amanda Blank vs. Bad Cabbage vs. Deadmau5)

Next, we have DEEP/BLK vs. Mark Johnce's mash-up of three electropop bitches: Kylie Minogue, La Roux and Gwen Stefani. This track is so well done, I didn't know what to do with myself when I first heard it. I love it, and you will too (if you haven't heard me wear it out already). And, I don't think I have to tell you which songs are being played by each artist, lest you be labeled retarded.

Waiting For Bulletproof Love (Kylie vs. La Roux vs. Gwen)

Finally, we have a track that makes Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Gold Lion (finally) danceable. It took a blast from the 80's past to do it, but this mash-up is great. Somehow, despite no tangible crescendo, this track builds and delivers with the sheer organic sounds of the original two tracks, Company B's Fascinated and Yeah Yeah Yeahs' Gold Lion. Party Ben, mash-up extraordinaire, made this one. It is quite good.

Fascinated by Gold (Company B vs. Yeah Yeah Yeahs)

fresh wednesday : new robyn & m.i.a.

So, I've been purposely separating the new Robyn tracks because they're so good on their own, I do not want to present them as a package deal (you can do that on your own). This track, which is her first collaboration with Royksopp since the popular Girl & The Robot of last year, has grown on me like algae. It's dark, cleverly written, sexy (if not sultry) in essence, and is a track that screams "PLAY ME WHILE YOU'RE DOING IT!"... if I'm not being too subtle. Enjoy!

None of Dem - Robyn ft. Röyksopp

Next, we have the brand new track by M.I.A. that is blowing up the interwebs. I haven't loved M.I.A.'s artistic direction since Arular, her debut album that was so innovative on so many levels that she had nowhere to go but down... after all she is not Radiohead (argue that all you want- you will lose). I thought Paper Planes was only popular because of the gun sound, which is not innovative, simply shock-driven mass-audience friendly fodder. I do like Boyz off the last album, as it was similar to her Arular sound, but that's about as far as my warmth toward the album goes. Sadly, I have to say I do not love the new track, but that's okay... I threw 10 Dollar down here too, from Arular (the first track I ever heard -and loved- by her in early 2005). Judge for yourself... after all, that's what this site is about. It just seems that every time M.I.A. tries something believed to be novel, she winds up sounding even more derivative.

Born Free - M.I.A.

10 Dollar - M.I.A.

essential tuesday: music you should own

If you don't love this song, you have no soul. It makes me want to jump up and down, dance like I've lost my mind, eyes closed, and all that junk everyone wants to do but are afraid they'll look too nuts. Not me. Of course, I do it in my underwear at home.

Dog Days Are Over - Florence + The Machine

This is my current favorite song. It's brand new, by one of the best pop artists on the planet, and I think everyone can relate to its amazingly vulnerable sense of neurotic dialogue (you crazy bitches). It's sad as hell. It'll depress the shit out of you. And, you'll love it anyway. Enjoy.

Dancing On My Own - Robyn

This track is by one of my favorite bands, Metric, and it epitomizes how I feel when I am coming down from a long night out, drunk out of my mind, and dealing with unrequited love. Usually all at once! Hooray!

Collect Call - Metric

remix monday : beyonce

I do not love Beyonce Knowles; I do have to say that. I think she's a bit talented, yes, but I love her as much as I love, say... American cheese. It's not nearly the pepperjack or jarlsberg that rock my world, but I tolerate it lovingly. At first, I thought the track, Diva, was a bit stupid, and purposely tossed as the third single off I Am... Sasha Fierce because it couldn't keep up with the first two (If I Were A Boy, Single Ladies), and thus had to survive off their momentum. I was probably right, but pay no mind to that.

Here's a remix of it, the first of its kind, to make me want to play Baywuntz Kanowlayz more often. Speedy Graffiti is a very talented remixologist based out of greater Phoenix who sent this to me personally, and I was so surprised (see: pleased) that I played it this past Saturday at SHIFT. Give it a spin (click the down arrow to download, as well)...

Diva (Speedy Graffiti remix)

April Showers: DJ MAJR set-list

APRIL SHOWERS Set List

Song 2 (cover) - Trash Yourself & Toxic Avenger
Losing Streak - Frankmusik ft. Computer Club
We Are Golden (Calvin Harris remix) - Mika
Supply & Demand (D.I.M. remix) - Fischerspooner
Heavy Cross (Fred Falke remix) - The Gossip
Diva (Speedy Graffiti remix) - Beyonce
Love or Torture - Blake Lewis
Invisible Light - Scissor Sisters
Telephone - Lady Gaga ft. Beyonce
Dance in the Dark - Lady Gaga
Fembot - Robyn
Waiting for Bulletproof Love - Kylie vs. La Roux vs. Gwen
Boots & Boys - Ke$ha
Might Like Ghosts Better - Deadmau5 vs. Amanda Blank vs. Bad Cabbage
Momma's Place (Speedy Graffiti remix) - Roisin Murphy
Mercy (Dunproofin's Thankful remix) - Duffy
Rocket (Richard X 84 remix) - Goldfrapp
Admiral Sloth (Trash Yourself remix) - El Paso Hot Button
Fixin to Thrill - Dragonette
What is Love (Barletta remix) - Haddaway
Fresh Prince of Bel Air (Mustart Pimp remix) - Will Smith
Can't Believe a Single Word (LA Riots remix) - VHS or Beta
Pop Goes the World - The Gossip
Acapella - Kelis
Fire in Your New Shoes - Kaskade ft. Dragonette
Blame it on the Girls (Wolfgang Gartner remix) - Mika
Stuck On Repeat (Fake Blood remix) - Little Boots
Zero (N.A.S.A. remix) - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Ready for the Floor (LA Riots remix) - Hot Chip
I Feel Better (CapnHarry & BHB remix) - Hot Chip
Shout (Wayne G remix) - Tears for Fears
Blue Monday (Verdis remix) - New Order
Push It - Salt N Pepa
In My Arms (Sebastien Leger remix) - Kylie Minogue
Everybody (Headshot Boyz remix) - Backstreet Boys
Naturally (DJ MAJR remix) - Selena Gomez
In for the Kill (Le Castle Vania remix) - La Roux
Heads Will Roll (DAN OH remix) - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Fuck You - Lily Allen
Sick Muse (Adam Freeland remix) - Metric
Untouched - The Veronicas
Teeth - Lady Gaga
Lisztomania - Phoenix
Ghetto Superstar - Mya ft. Pras & ODB
New In Town - Little Boots
Doo Wop (That Thing) - Lauryn Hill
Hate to Say I Told You So - The Hives
Take Me Out (Daft Punk remix) - Franz Ferdinand
Jerk It - Thunderheist
The Boys - Dragonette
Show Stopper (Tommie Sunshine remix) - Peaches
Y Control (Tommie Sunshine remix) - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
I See You Baby (Fatboy Slim remix) - Groove Armada
Paranoiattack (The Sneekers remix) - The Faint
Alive - Goldfrapp
P.Y.T. - Michael Jackson
Filthy/Gorgeous - Scissor Sisters
Dancing on My Own - Robyn

weekend 04/23-25 preview

This weekend we have two great shows! Dragonette and Hot Chip grace the DC stage, each known for vibrant live performances. Then, of course, there's our end-of-month bash, SHIFT: April Showers. So, go enjoy the best in electro-pop, two nights in a row, and come dance your face off at SHIFT. It promises to be the most awesome of experiences, as SHIFT plans to go aurum!

A GREAT weekend! Best in a while!

SHIFT

Saturday @ 10:00-3:00a

Cobalt

$6

Facebook Invite

Dragonette

Friday @ 11:00

DC9

$8 (may be sold out)

Big Sunglasses - Dragonette by nour">deadpoetshonour

Hot Chip

Saturday @ 7:00

9:30 Club

SOLD OUT

Ready for the Floor - Hot Chip by nour">deadpoetshonour

DO IT!

three track thursdays 04.22.10

Today's three tracks come from a wide variety of indie acts. From synth-pop, to androgy-piano pop, to singer/songwriter indie rock. It's a good time for a three track thursday!

We have the uber brit-pop synth-heavy Frankmusik (ft. Computer Club). Vincent Frank is a part of the new rush of electro boys: a horde of synth-pop lead male vocalists headed by Frank, and followed by the likes of Dan Black, Just Jack, Blake Lewis, and Simon Curtis. I've become a huge fan of Frankmusik because he has only released one full-length album state-side, and has already caught my ear on 5 tracks I deem quality. This is a rarity for any act over a series of albums for me, but Vincent Frank did it quite quickly. Check him out!

Next, we have Mika's new track from the Kick Ass soundtrack. Titled the same, Mika teamed with RedOne [who is responsible for Lady Gaga's production... you know, when you thought she was saying 'Red Wine' in Just Dance, then you felt like a retard when you realized it was an ol' school shout out to those who made her famous... like right now]. This track is quite decent, if you can handle Mika's shrieky vocals in the beginning; something I had trouble stomaching, but to which grew accustomed.

Lastly we have a BRAND NEW track called Your Hands (Together) from The New Pornographers (one of the best bands you'll see live) that reminds you that acts can have a traditional singer/songwriter indie rock sound and still sound like genuine pop. It took me a while to come around to them, but TNP finally got me with a track called Sing Me Spanish Techno, and this track has been stuck in my head all week, thanks to the infectious Neko Case vocals. This fantastic song, from the upcoming LP Together (due out May 4th), will do the same to you- I promise.

Just press the down arrow (on the right) to download the tracks.

Losing Streak (ft. Computer Club) - Frankmusik

Kick Ass (We Are Young) - Mika

Your Hands (Together) - The New Pornographers

guest DJ spotlight : DJ RAD

DJ RAD is what one would call a showman. The lead promoter and resident DJ of Pink Sock at Wonderland Ballroom, DJ RAD is no stranger to the DC scene. He has cut his own niche out of the DC gay dance market by creating the highest grossing weeknight event Wonderland has seen, while doing it on the unenviable platform of a Wednesday evening. Additionally, there's the fact that it's in Columbia Heights; an area that is growing on the good side of the gays, but is not yet the proverbial hot-spot. Still, Ryan Duncan has taken this night (which debuted last fall) and parlayed its surprising (and mammoth) success into opening/guest DJ spots at The Green Lantern's RAW, Town's WTF, as well as earned the respect of many DJs and promoters with his talent and enthusiasm.

Stylistically, DJ RAD (Ryan Adam Duncan), can be explained as the perfect balance of aggressive rave-heavy (think: Goldfrapp, Blisterz Boyz, The Faint) and disco-friendly. Similar to his contemporaries, he has a great deal of respect for these genres, but where he separates himself is his immense utilization of/appreciation for the Grace Jones-esque era of soulful, sexy, late 70's dance. Like Jones in the late '70s/early '80s, Duncan is able to straddle the disco-to-new wave transition without a flaw, while maintaining a healthy and sharp eye for the new.

Personally, he is of the rare humble breed of promoter/DJ. As far as his Pink Sock party, he is innovative with many hilarious themes and accompanying decor; all the while paying out of pocket with zero assistance. Moreover, he tackles and overcomes the venue's Cretaceous sound system with a ballerina's fluidity. It's this kind of 'love for the show above all else' that good promoters own and convey, and he is the epitome of such. He also consistently goes out of his way to support other parties, and is always camera friendly (whether or not he realizes it).

For all these reasons he was chosen to be a part of this Saturday's SHIFT: April Showers, as the opening spin-master for resident DJ MAJR. Similarly, both have a DJ moniker taken from their initials, both are meticulous executors, and both plan to bring the house to its knees. One thing he will appreciate at SHIFT is Cobalt's fantastic in-booth sound system, as well as being the DJ during the coveted 11:30-12:00 rush. The 400+ that usually walk in the door during that time may be the largest crowd he's had a chance to make dance... and they will appreciate it. I know, as I'll be one of them! So, don't miss it! It'll be totally rad.

photos courtesy of brightest young gays (namely Bradley Portnoy & Ben Murray)

fresh wednesday (cont.) : new vidjas

Check these vidjas out. I really dig both, and you should too! One is the venerable Hot Chip (who is performing here in DC this Saturday), the other, Delorean, is a rising act from Spain with whom I've recently become enamored. Pitchfork coined its sound "sunstruck synth-pop" - I could not have said it better. Or, maybe I could've... had I cared enough to do so.

Nonetheless, I do like Delorean's video a little more, as I tend to put more stock in music videos that really sync with both the lyrics and the feel of the music, but Hot Chip gets an award for Big Balls for this off-the-wall masterpiece. Wow. Check out Hot Chip's new album, One Life Stand, and Delorean's Subiza, which just dropped in the U.S. on March 30.

I Feel Better - Hot Chip

Stay Close - Delorean

fresh wednesday: groove armada

Groove Armada came back in a big way this year with a new album, Black Light. It may not be amazing, but this album is fabulously sexy. It's as though they made it 20 years ago in a dirty London studio with the kind of basic hardware that projects the most dense, sensually raw/basic sound. I've come to the conclusion that Groove Armada wrote this album (in 1989) in the studio waiting room while Violator (perhaps the best synth album ever) was being recorded. It has the qualities that can only be achieved by the types of acts that actually lived through the synth-pop explosion of the 80's, dance craze (and all its many children that THANK GOD have ceased to remain relevant... R.I.P. happy hardcore) of the 90's, and neo-new wave electro-clash (that revived and conformed to modern pop standards) of the 00's.

To this day, I do not know if anyone else has really pulled this off in quite a stellar way. Death in Vegas tried a few years ago with Satan's Circus, but fell short. The lead single off this album is the previously blogged about I Won't Kneel (perhaps the best single from any act so far in 2010). This follow up, though, can hold its own. Here is the album cut (download link above it) and the fantastic Urchins remix (which you can download from the soundcloud) of Paper Romance.

download(mp3)

Paper Romance - Groove Armada

Paper Romance (Urchins Remix) - Groove Armada

vidja of the day : the presets

This video is a classic, in my opinion. Music videos should match not only the theme of the song, but the music itself (one of my gripes with the new Lady Gaga 'Telephone' video). This video is also pretty amazing because it was so obviously low-budget. The Presets are a great band, the best 2-piece I've ever seen live, and this is one of their best songs... and easily their best vidja.

I'm salivating to hear what their next LP will sound like, which they are no doubt producing now.

essential tuesday: music you should own

Here are three tracks you should own! First we have a song called Electric, by Melody Club. This act had some great underground success right about the time I started going to indie/electro bars in 2005. They have a lot of decent tracks, but nothing comes close to the pop brilliance that is this one. I remember being drawn out to the dancefloor when hearing it, and not being able to help myself from dancing.

Then we have Dolly Rockers. These UK bitches are pretty fantastic, as they are completely cliche UK pop rock, but both quality and danceable. This tune, Gold Digger, is by far their best track to date. Lastly, we have the always unstoppable Fischerspooner. FS changed my audio tastes and my perception of performance art. They ARE electropop, and have been for years. This track, Never Win, is the most radiopop they get, but worth a listen for those of you unfamiliar.

Electric - Melody Club

Gold Digger - Dolly Rockers

Never Win - Fischerspooner

remix monday : lily allen

I have a love/hate relationship with Lily Allen. Sometimes she's amazing. Others she's simply ordinary (never quite terrible). Here's a remix of a track that I love, Everyone's At It. Love or hate Lily, you have to adore her balls. She consistently gets out there and says what she wishes, writes extremely well, and stands by her mess of a self.

This track, in its original version, is pretty great. The remix, though, is so much more synthetic (in a good way). Do yourself a favor and put on your headphones for this one. This track about the joys and dissimulation of drug PR is lush with a fantastic drop-beat.

Everyone's At It (Tranqatari Remix) - Lily Allen

DOWNLOAD(mp3)

release the kelis

Kelis is back. From where, I have no idea, nor do I really care, as I never liked her before. I thought Milkshake was curdled and Bossy was poorly executed. Never before did she show any sort of genuine creativity, until now. I guess that's what happens when you divorce your rap-star husband (Nas) when you're seven months pregnant. Nothing like marital demise to get the juices flowing. Her highly anticipated (can you believe it's her 5th album.. and she's only 31) LP Flesh Tone is due to drop July 6th, and I have to say I really look forward to it.

Also check out the vidja at the bottom of her performing Acapella (first single.. yeah, you know it... you've heard it... get over it, it's good) on Jimmy Kimmel, or as I like to call him... formerly Mr. Sarah Silverman.

The term is overused and completely abused, but Kelis truly is fabulous in her delivery and creative direction right now. She really is the about to kick Lady Gaga right in the vagina. Enjoy...

22nd Century

4th of July

Acapella

newsflash: cuttin' it up... new scissor sisters!

The rumors that the terrific tailors of tribadism have returned with a darker, extremely sleek disco sound must be true. Scissor Sisters tribbed their way back into my heart with this new track. I especially love the cameo from Gandalf. I feel like I'm dancing with the Orks of Mordor, but that's really the same thing as going out in DC, anyway.

I hope the rest of the album lives up to this track (and beyond such), because I DID NOT love Ta-Dah. Frankly, I thought it was watered-down and trite. The ladies of labia haven't lived up to their debut LP, Scissor Sisters, since... but there's still hope! Otherwise, YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

Sissor Sisters - Invisible Light by TILTLA

ENJOY!(mp3)

random: ode to otis redding

Few know that Otis Redding is one of my favorite artists. I may be a DJ who plays endless electro/indie dance remixes. I may love the obscure and ridiculous above the modern and cookie-cutter... but in the end it all comes down to what's good and what matters, no matter the genre.

Otis Redding is the voice of God, and the sooner you learn that, the sooner you'll be better off as a being that appreciates music.

Otis is the voice behind all my sad moments, my bittersweet realizations, my happy yet not overly engulfed in bullshit moments, and my chill... relaxed... relevant moments. I love his music so much so that I do not know what to think otherwise, when it comes to music. If you've never heard of this gentleman, please indulge... he's simply... the best...

(Sittin' On) The Dock of the Bay - Otis Redding

Try A Little Tenderness - Otis Redding

Cupid - Otis Redding

weekend 04/16-18 preview

This weekend is the beginning of the end, it seems! So much going on, week after week, that I don't know whether to love or hate it. One good thing, and a regular on my schedule, is SHIFT's sister party, MIXTAPE, which takes place this Saturday from 10:30p-2:30a at Rock & Roll Hotel in delightful NE DC. Now, a lot of people dislike going to the public transit-abandoned NE corridor of the District, but I must say that it's quite worth it to go to R&R. It's a great space and Shea and Matt (with special guest Bil Todd of Raw) are going to make good use of it. Expect great music and an awesome dancefloor. Oh, and a stage... upon which I often make a fool of myself. Beware.

For those of you looking to stay in NW, Bliss is kicking off at the great new space, U-Hall. A long running party of U-Hall owner and long-time DJ Will Eastman, Bliss is a time worth having.

Other than that, it's a great weekend to be a tourist and hit the Zoo or National Gallery. I plan on trying to hit one or the other.

newsflash: new kaskade ft. dragonette

So, Kaskade has returned and released a single featuring Dragonette. Like Emily Haines of Metric, I am addicted to Martina Sorbara's vocals. I do not know why, really. Perhaps it's the perfect mixture of sass, vulnerability, and strength. Per chance it's her pitch and generally well written lyrics. Maybe I just like this photo of her that makes me reconsider my orientation. Or, I'm simply a sassy, vulnerable strong tall white woman dying to get out. Who cares, this is decent, take a listen...

Fire In Your New Shoes - Kaskade ft. Dragonette by deadpoetshonour

DOWNLOAD (mp3)

guilty pleasure friday : aly & aj

I am the king of guilty pleasures. Especially with music. From twangy Dwight Yoakam country tunes, to Ol' Dirty Bastard, to terrible cheesy pop (see below)... I have them in spades.

Today's guilty pleasure comes from a pair of sisters with blonde hair and small boobs named Aly & AJ. These Disney douches, now flying under the name 78Violet, are set to release a third album in 2010. God help us. Despite all their shortfalls, they put out one song that is as infectious as the new strand of gonorrhea that is spreading and can't be cure but people still won't talk about it because they're too busy fucking... IT'S THAT GOOD!

Potential Breakup Song - Aly & AJ

DOWNLOAD (mp3)

and don't miss this sparkling gem of a video interpretation...

...ok, after all that, I have to admit I love the song even more. I want to be these girls. There- I said it.

he wants your disease

aren't you going to give it to him? hopefully it's malaria.

three track thursdays 04.15.10 tax day special

In honor of the Federal Government, I am invoking new Operator Please (as I'll be dealing with those bitches on the phone), I Won't Kneel (my tax season motto) and, lastly, for my own indulgence, an original remix by me.

First we have the fairly talented Australian act, Operator Please. Its first hit, Logic, can be seen (vidja) and downloaded from a post from earlier this week. This track, in my opinion, is superior. Like Magic is the final song on their upcoming album (available in the U.S. at the end of the month, I believe), Gloves.

I Won't Kneel is the first single off Groove Armada's latest album (out a little over a month ago), Black Light. This album is 'pure sex,' as my friend Patrick called it. It's dark and completely 80's synth in spots and overtly atmospheric in others. This track, in particular, sounds like it was 'teleported to us from the 80's,' according to SHIFT's dear Lt. Lush.

Lastly, you have ME! Ok, so I made this mash-up/remix for SHIFT New Year's Eve promo-video this past December (photos). I kept having people ask about the background track, so I sent it to multiple 'fans.' Lately, though, it has been popping up in my workout shuffle... and you know, it's not half bad. It's a good kick in the eardrum, I must say, for Kylie fans who seek a bit more 'umph.' My goal when working the track was to make Kylie sound more electro-dance, instead of bubblegum and unicorn farts. It worked, thanks to the amazing undertones of Designer Drugs' Drop Down.

All tracks are downloadable.

'Like Magic' - Operator Please

'I Won't Kneel' - Groove Armada ft. SaintSaviour

Droplighting (Kylie Minogue vs. Designer Drugs) - DJ MAJR

review: xtina - 'not myself tonight'

OK, let me start with saying I was a little excited to hear something new from the girl with perhaps the most powerful vocals of any of the pop bitches. The song has a great beginning, then it just implodes. It's danceable, but beyond that, it's vomit incarnate.

Not Myself Tonight - Christina Aguilera by user7455364

First, it sounds like a checklist of what Xtina's managers/producers thought a pop song should sound like. I bet it goes something like this:

1.) Sensually whisper something seemingly personal to the listener. They have been dying to hear your secrets.

2.) Howl and/or hoot like a creature from the deep in some coital condition.

3.) Give the obligatory and/or literal 'fuck you' ... because you're such a rebel. Look at you in your mom jeans with hips for days. Please tell us more of your Frederick's of Hollywood glamour shots and etch-a-sketch photo editing.

4.) Provoke imagery of reckless and animalistic behavior... because you deserve it, girl, you've worked so hard in the trenches of being un-famous for 5 years. You deserve a break today, so go on and get yourself lazy-susan'd at a coke-clouded club.

5.) Make more sex noises toward the end of the track. We have been waiting for this after such an amazing build-up. Thank god you're still making music.

Secondly, didn't somebody already rub you out of the bottle? Why are you toting a toddler and seemingly singing with one hand double-clicking your mouse?

Lastly, you have talent, but terrible management. Fire them all and start singing again. Or else you will forever be the girl who peaked with a song called "Dirrty." With TWO "R"s! TWO! Fucking christ... Please god, someone remix this song back from the darkside.

xoxo